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Monday,
November 3, 2008 8:55 A.M.
CST
 HAVING
FUN IN FACE OF ADVERSITY. Life doesn't always work out the way you expect it to. Take my birthday,
for instance. I wait all year for this one damn day, and then it all goes kablooey when
A WAD OF RICE gets stuck in my throat. I'm
serious. We're at Kirin Court for dim sum at 10:30 a.m. on my birthday and I almost pass out in the dumplings. It takes
half an hour (and two trips to the ladies' room) for my esophagus to get back to normal. I wish that had been my only
birthday misfortune, but there's more.
Both big toes wound
up infected after my ingrown nails were removed five weeks ago. It's a come-and-go kind of thing. They feel better for
a few days and then get weird again. My RIGHT BIG TOE was the culprit on my birthday,
and it starts to bother me about 90 seconds before Sam and I pull up to the WinStar Casino in Oklahoma for a day with the
penny slots. I'm giving it two days to shape up or I'm calling the doctor. I hope my toe is reading this. Thank you.
 Monday, October 27, 2008 12:45 P.M. CDT
BIG
THINGS ARE HAPPENING THIS WEEK.
Big Thing #1: Fall Foliage in Mesquite, Texas. There's an explosion of fall color
in front of our house! The leaves on Treebiscuit, our new autumn blaze maple, are such a blinding shade of red that I'll
bet the whole neighborhood has to buy sunglasses. Sam is pictured here standing alongside his son. (Sam is the one on the
left.)
Big Thing #2: Marcy's
Birthday. If you haven't shopped yet for my birthday, which is coming up on November 1, you still have
time. Cash, presents and gift cards in any denomination
can be sent to our mailbox address listed here. If you promise you're not a scary wacko, you can send an email to ask for our real address on Bonnywood Drive. Thank you in advance for your extraordinary generosity.
Sunday,
October 12, 2008 2:35 A.M.
CDT
THE MELTDOWN, A LITTLE CLOSER TO HOME.
Sam seriously doesn't realize he's a comedian. I mean, he's extremely funny but sometimes it's not on purpose.
Yesterday, for instance, we were driving around looking for somewhere to eat breakfast and we kept passing a lot of little
donut shops. I said, "Why don't you stop and get a couple of donuts?" The rest of the conversation went something
like this:
Sam: "I
haven't bought donuts for ages. The last time I was SHOCKED at how much they cost."
Me:
"Really? How much were they?"
Sam: "45
cents each."
Me: "And you think that's expensive? How much
is a donut supposed to cost?"
Sam: "A
quarter."
You see my point. Sam apparently lives in a fantasy world where the price of donuts hasn't
changed since the Korean War. This is only one of the countless reasons why I love him. Another reason is his feet. Thank
you for reading this.
Sunday,
October 5, 2008 10:00 A.M.
CDT
 DON'T
TRY THIS AT HOME. If it's September, it's time for the Texas
State Fair. At right is Big Tex, the fair's mascot, who looms 52 feet at the entrance in size 70 boots. (He's
even taller than Sam.) But the real star of the Texas State Fair is the food: a southern-style
culinary orgy of everything fried. To prove my point, here's a rundown of this year's featured State Fair cuisine.
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Chicken Fried Bacon: Thick-cut
bacon that's seasoned, dipped in batter and deep fried. Served with a tub of ranch dressing.
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Texas Fried Jelly Beans: Rolled
in funnel cake batter and deep fried to a crunch.
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Fire & Ice: Batter-dipped
deep fried pineapple ring is topped with whipped cream that's been frozen in liquid nitrogen. It smokes.
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Fried Chocolate Truffles: Dark
chocolate truffle rolled in cocoa powder, batter-dipped and deep fried.
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Deep Fried Dinner Rolls: Filled
with cream cheese, dipped in batter and deep fried on a stick.
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Fried Pop Rocks Fundae Blast:
Ignite your senses with fried ice cream covered in Hershey’s syrup and pop rocks. Your fuse is a strawberry Twizzler
rolled in pop rocks.
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And if that's not enough, fairgoers can also choose from Deep Fried Green Beans, the All-American
Deep Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwich, Fried Battered Chocolate Cake on a Stick, Ignited
Moon Pies and (ready for this?) Deep Fried Cantaloupe.
If you think I'm kidding, click here and check it out for yourself. I'm getting too old for this, y'all. I've decided to stay home with a bottle
of Rolaids.
Thursday,
October 2, 2008 11:43 P.M.
CDT
 IT'S
NO CONTEST. Your pals at the Howdygram think the upcoming presidential election is critically important,
and we strongly recommend that you do not vote for McCain and Palin,
who posed together (at left) during a recent campaign stop. Sarah Palin spent six years at six different schools earning a
four-year degree without distinction. And her education is almost as impressive as John McCain's: he graduated 865th in
a class of 899. Are they inspiring, or what? For the record, McCain is also a crab with a snotty temper
and teeny little yellow teeth. He may have cooties, too, but I can't prove it. Thank you for reading this. See more great photos here.
Saturday,
September 27, 2008 8:05 P.M.
CDT
 I REFUSE
TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS. I have a unique distinction: I've
been involved in three of the biggest bank failures in the United States. First, I was a customer at Continental Bank
in Chicago when it failed in 1984 ... at the time, it was the largest U.S. bank failure on record. Three years later my first
husband and I relocated to Dallas and had an account at Republic Bank when it became the largest thrift failure in Texas'
history, and we wound up cashing paychecks in a trailer with a paper banner taped over the door. Now it's Washington Mutual
... the largest bank failure EVER ... and again I'm involved with two accounts.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT'S NOT MY FAULT. Please tell everybody. Thank you.
IN OTHER NEWS ... My toes are doing well
tonight. I would take a picture but they still look pretty weird. Check back tomorrow.
Friday,
September 26, 2008 11:05 A.M.
CDT
YESTERDAY SUCKED, AND HERE'S WHY.
First, I had MAJOR SURGERY yesterday morning ... ingrown nails removed from both of
my big toes. Even though my new podiatrist is a really swell guy and I love his assistant, Roxanne, the entire experience
was very bad because I  got FOUR SHOTS IN EACH TOE and limped home with a pair of enormous, tightly-wrapped
NEON PINK TOE MUMMIES. After my shower this morning it was nearly impossible to remove
the mummies and then I got grossed out looking at my butchered toes. Second, following a set of x-rays I found
out I've got HUGE HEEL SPURS in both feet. I think Dr. Angelier was amazed when
I told him they don't hurt.
Third, just as the anesthesia
started to wear off my toes yesterday afternoon I learned that my bank, Washington Mutual, is the latest victim in the nation's
financial meltdown. Apparently my millions are safe. Okay, just kidding. I don't really have millions and you shouldn't
waste your time asking me for a loan. Thank you.
ONE
BRIGHT SPOT IN A PUDDLE OF POO. Meet our beautiful new Autumn Blaze Maple, Treebiscuit.
He was planted in our front yard on Wednesday morning (see photo at right) and already has one bright red leaf. Stay tuned
for more fall foliage updates in the weeks ahead.
Monday,
September 22, 2008 7:15 P.M.
CDT
I PROBABLY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. I'm
not exactly sure why my blog has slowed to a crawl, but what the heck, I'm a sloth. I think about writing and get sidetracked
with other projects. Mostly, I've designed a couple of new client websites and overhauled mine (see www.ovationcreative.com), plus I've been distracted with my father-in-law's health problems and a few of my own. On the plus side, however,
we're having an Autumn Blaze Maple tree planted on Wednesday in our front yard. I'll post a picture here later in
the week.
Thursday,
August 21, 2008 8:05 P.M.
CDT
HAPPY SENIOR CITIZENS DAY. This is a
very large deal here in Mesquite, Texas, where the official age of a senior citizen is 55. Since I'm almost 57, I find
that I'm already over-qualified for Mesquite's Meals on Wheels program and free rides to the market on the senior
bus. Next Saturday there's a big soirée at the Evans Senior Center — taco casserole! apple crisp! live music!
— and with any luck I might convince Sam to take me. I hope I remember to wear my teeth.
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Proctologist's Assistant: The
benefits of this job should be obvious.
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Wal-Mart Greeter
Supervisor: You get to tell the geezers when to take a break.
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Soft Drink Tester:
Apply at McDonald's and tell them you're really into quality control.
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County Jail Strip-Search
Trainee: Be prepared to bring your own latex gloves.
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Chuck E. Cheese Bounce House Attendant:
There's always an opening for this one.
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